Working mom

This semester I am embracing what I am.... A working mom.

Last year, I pretended like I worked part time.  I told myself school wasn't all-consuming.  I was super woman and could do it all.  Cook, clean, make kids' lunches, attend all school conferences, be a student, be a new boss in a new program.

I can't do it all.

This summer I pretended that I wouldn't have to work as much as I did.  I told myself that the kids liked being dragged to the office over and over again so I could work on curriculum or give a tour or organize my desk.  I watched the kids swim with my laptop out, doing homework for grad school.

I was constantly feeling bad.  I felt bad that I wasn't giving all of my attention to my work.  I felt bad that my school suffered.  I felt bad that my kids didn't get all of me.

I never got a babysitter to help me out.  Why?  Because I considered myself a stay at home mom with a little job and a little school on the side.

I'm a working mom.  And I have been for at least a year.

I need help.  I need childcare so that the kids don't come to the office with me or so that I don't leave them home by themselves while I run up to church to work "really quickly".  I should've had help so I could focus on my schoolwork.  But stay at home moms are completely focused on their families, right?

And that's what I am... right?

Wrong.

This semester I signed up my kids for the after school program at their school on Mondays and Fridays. I will be working on my internship while they're there. I already feel a sense of relief!

They may not love it, but I need to have a plan.  I can't be everything to everyone.  I have responsibilities outside of my family.  My family is the most important, but hiring help does them justice. They won't be an afterthought.  They'll know what to expect... PASAR two days a week.

I think discontentment and guilt stems from having a foot in both worlds. 

Day by Day

The new job...

Day One--

I had an unhappy 2 year old who only liked when I held her.  I didn't mind holding her, but I held her for hours until we called her mom to come pick her up early.

Day Two--

I had an unhappy 1 1/2 year old who cried so hard he threw up.  I changed his shirt but didn't realize his shorts and shoes were covered in the mess.  Needless to say, after I held him, I had to go home and change clothes because I smelled like spoiled milk and oatmeal.

Mmmm....

Day Three--

I spent the day in a classroom helping out with our next to youngest class. It was a good day.  Some crying but no one threw up on me.

Day Four--

I got on my hands and knees and cleaned explosive diarrhea off the carpet and checked to see if Fifth Disease is communicable.

.....................

But I've also had some parents say some really nice things to me, patted backs until two year olds fell asleep, observed teachers, and given tours to parents .

I can't wait to see what's going to happen tomorrow. :)