So I've been hit pretty hard with mom guilt lately. Here's what I'm feeling guilty about today.
1. Feeding Caroline. Breast milk or formula? Always the big question for moms. I chose to breastfeed this time around. Pump or not to pump? I'm not pumping right now. I don't want her to get used to a bottle. But no matter what method I choose, I feel guilty about something.
Caroline had a HARD night last night. I don't think she slept more than 2 hours total. She had horrible indigestion. So of course, who do I blame for that? Myself. I must have eaten something bad. But Jason reminded me that when we formula-fed the other 2, they got just as many tummy aches, if not more, and I felt guilty for that too.
I also really really really want a drink. An adult beverage. Specifically a gin and tonic. :) I'm borderline craving one. But I'm not going to have one because of Caroline. So I also feel guilty for sometimes getting irritated with still sharing my body. For 10 mos, I watched what I ate and didn't drink and let my body be what she needed it to be. And every now and then, I'm ready to have it be mine again. Eat spicy food. Have a cocktail. And feel like that's ok.
2. LOVING it when I only have to deal with 2 kids. This morning Sarah went to a little music camp at the church, so all I had were Jack and Caroline, and it was WONDERFUL. No matter how many kids you have, being without one of them makes an enormous difference. I feel bad that it was nice to have a quieter house.
3. Not being a very good friend. I know I'm not good about returning calls anyway, but now it's even worse.
4. Blogging right now instead of doing something productive or worthwhile.
Please remind me that this is a normal way to feel...
Monday, July 27, 2009
Caroline week 2
Already 10 lbs. Oh my!!
My brother Brian and his wife Abby meeting Caroline
Look!!! All 3 napping at the same time. Get outta here! The stars must have been magically aligned or something. Had to take a pic because doubt that will EVER happen again :)
My brother Brian and his wife Abby meeting Caroline
Look!!! All 3 napping at the same time. Get outta here! The stars must have been magically aligned or something. Had to take a pic because doubt that will EVER happen again :)
Sarah's 4th Birthday
Yesterday was Sarah's 4th bday. It was her first ever you-can-invite-friends party. She had almost all of her little preschool class there. And her cousins came too. So I think she had fun. But it was an exhausting day by the end of it. I really missed taking a nap! :)
Only eating the icing. Whatever.
The Birthday Girl
Fun at the Wiggles Play Center
First big girl bike. And yes, she already fell off. I think she was getting off of it and tripped or something. But no tears... got right back on.
A new jigsaw puzzle. Oh, if only she'd always be so impressed with small gifts.
A ballerina jewelry box where she puts all her treasures for "safe keeping". AKA "away from Jack"
Only eating the icing. Whatever.
The Birthday Girl
Fun at the Wiggles Play Center
First big girl bike. And yes, she already fell off. I think she was getting off of it and tripped or something. But no tears... got right back on.
A new jigsaw puzzle. Oh, if only she'd always be so impressed with small gifts.
A ballerina jewelry box where she puts all her treasures for "safe keeping". AKA "away from Jack"
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Pictures of Caroline
Where did this crazy dark hair come from?
Sarah's starting to feel more comfortable with Caroline.
Her first time holding her. Not so sure. (Jack has held her but I didn't have a camera at the time.)
So hard to get a decent picture of a few-days-old baby who sleeps a lot. Give her a couple of weeks to grow and change and be awake DURING THE DAY and I'll get better pics of her.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Caroline Grace, Born July 13
Caroline Grace born July 13 1:09 pm weighing 8 lbs 8 oz, 20 inches.
This post will most likely have no pictures, but the very next post will, I promise.
Last weekend was my last pregnant weekend and, boy, was it packed full of things to do. Saturday, in the 103 degree heat, I took Sarah and Jack to a birthday party, an outdoor party... while Jason did some yard work and things around the house. I wanted to die from the heat, but other than that, it was fun. Then I went to the grocery store and did some laundry.
Then Sunday was packed. Mom picked the kids up and took them to church so that Jason and I could clean the house for my in-laws who were scheduled to arrive at 6:30 that night. As soon as the kids came home, we fed them lunch and put Jack down for a nap. At 4:00 we headed out in the heat once again for my niece's pool party. Can I just tell you that I REALLY had to swallow my pride to wear a swimsuit in front of friends and family the day before my scheduled induction. It was humiliating. Pregnant women in swimsuits are cute when it's just a bump. Not so cute when you look like you're in pain you're so ready to pop. And it's not like I could tell myself I'd never see these people again. Over half of them are members of our church. *sigh*
We ran home after the party and bathed the kids, put them in PJs and fed them dinner. Shortly after that, my in-laws arrived. The kids were so happy to see them. I helped Jason put them to bed around 8:30 and almost got teary-eyed with anxiety, thinking that this was the last time I'd ever tuck in just 2 kids.
At 9:30 Jason and I headed to the hospital. We had an empty bag to bring home all the junk you get at the hospital.. paperwork, baby supplies, etc. I had my bag and of course, the cord blood collection kit. I got changed into my hospital gown around 10, got in bed and started answering the routine registration questions. Shortly after that, I kissed Jason good bye and he headed home. (Jason never stays at the hospital with me. He's willing. I never see the point. Why should we both be sleep-deprived and delirious? I need him to be alert and thinking clearly. Besides, what's he going to do? Sleep on an uncomfortable couch all night making sure that my IV is ok? I always tell him that he's not missing anything; just go home and get rest.)
I got an IV and the Cytotek (sp?) to hopefully start the dilation process over night. At one point over night, Caroline's heart rate dropped dramatically and they came racing in, gave me an oxygen mask and made me switch positions several hundred times. She recovered on her own and the heart rate went back up, never to drop again, but she clearly scared them.
By 7:45 a.m. I was dilated to 3 cm and my doctor came in to start the pitocin and break my water. (He's not big on wasting time. Let's just get the thing done.) So when Jason showed up around 9, labor was well under way. 9:30 I got an epidural. I had several strong contractions. Strong enough to know that this is what labor feels like and I don't want to feel this if I don't have to. :) At 10 my parents arrived. By 12:45, I started to push and she was born at 1:09. Her shoulders were broad and got stuck on the way out. So it was a quick scramble to get her out. But all went well. She was slightly bruised and had a few abrasions on her neck and arms, but the important thing is that she's fine.
As an aside: I let my mom stay in for the delivery. It's the first delivery she's ever watched. With the first 2 kids, I wanted only my husband in the room. But he and I talked about it, and he said he wouldn't mind if my mom shared in the delivery moments, standing up by my head of course. She has not stopped talking about how it was the coolest thing she's ever seen. She has thanked me many many times for letting her be a part of that. As you're reading this, you may think it's weird that she watched, but I don't regret it for a second. It's my mom, you know? If Sarah or Caroline ever let me in the delivery room, I'm there!
So then we got to the recovery room around 4. It always takes a while to transition from labor and delivery to recovery. This is when my hermit-like nature kicks in. I never want anyone to come to the hospital to see me. Maybe I'm weird, but it's too overwhelming for me and I've just had a baby for crying out loud. I don't need to see anyone when I'm wearing mesh panties, sitting on a diaper and an ice pack. (All you moms know what I'm talking about.) Plus, I feel like there are always a million people coming in and out of the room.... from newborn nursery workers to my nurses to housekeeping and dining-on-demand people. It gets to be overwhelming. I can't also play hostess to a bunch of friends and family. So for at least the first week of every baby's life, I go into hiding while I'm just trying to figure things out.
In order to be released from the hospital, all babies in the state of Texas have to pass a hearing test. Caroline wasn't tested until right before we left and she failed in one ear. They went ahead and let us be discharged from the hospital but I have to take her back on Wednesday to get her retested.
We came home Wednesday. My mother-in-law left Thursday night and it's been Jason and me and the kids ever since. He goes back to work tomorrow, but it's been great having him home. He has been super helpful!!! He has taken care of Sarah and Jack and even cooked a few meals. He's always checking on me and letting me rest whenever I need to take a nap. He said that it's a fair trade since he's sleeping all night and I'm not. But he's been Super Dad/Super Husband this week and I really appreciate it!!
I think a misconception of having parents who live locally is that you get a lot of help from them when you have a baby. Not necessarily true. My parents are wonderful and have offered to watch the kids while I take a nap one day next week. I will definitely take them up on it. But the trade off to having them live 5 mins away is that they can't drop everything when the baby is born and move in for a week or 2. They have lives in Plano. They have responsibilities in Plano. My mom is not doing my laundry. She's not cooking for me. She's not here in the middle of the night. I'm so glad to live close enough to my mom and dad that I can call them when I need them. But I don't get that focused attention that some moms get when they have a baby.
And maybe that's why I'm so proud of Jason and me. We've really gotten this parenting routine down. NOT saying we're great parents... I just mean that we can read each other really well and we know how to step in and be helpful when the other one is about to lose it. We LOVE having extra help but we don't necessarily need it this time.
Caroline is such a sweet easy baby. I've never had one before. Ever. Sarah was a screamer from day one. Nothing consoled her. She had trouble eating. She had trouble pooping. She had trouble sleeping. Jack had a club foot, which meant that by 4 weeks he had a cast on his left leg for the next several months. He also had trouble eating and had so many double ear infections that he had tubes in his ears at 6 mos old. Caroline eats and sleeps and the things that textbooks say should soothe a baby (swaddling, singing, bouncing, etc.) actually work!!!
My family really felt complete after Sarah and Jack were born. A boy and a girl. 14 mos apart. Best friends. Family of 4. But now that I've had Caroline I realize that my family doesn't feel any more complete, but I do. God must have known that I needed an easy baby to confirm that I'm a good mom. I have been beating myself up over not being good with newborns for the last 4 years. I've been secretly resentful and jealous of moms who have easy babies. I didn't understand why they got to have that experience and I didn't. I honestly would've believed until the day that I died that I was horrible with babies. That I somehow lacked maternal instinct for the first year of a child's life. But now I know that's not true. Now I know how fun a "good" baby is. I have loved every minute of the last week. It has been such a blessing. So wonderful. I'm not pretending to be happy... I really am. :)
This post will most likely have no pictures, but the very next post will, I promise.
Last weekend was my last pregnant weekend and, boy, was it packed full of things to do. Saturday, in the 103 degree heat, I took Sarah and Jack to a birthday party, an outdoor party... while Jason did some yard work and things around the house. I wanted to die from the heat, but other than that, it was fun. Then I went to the grocery store and did some laundry.
Then Sunday was packed. Mom picked the kids up and took them to church so that Jason and I could clean the house for my in-laws who were scheduled to arrive at 6:30 that night. As soon as the kids came home, we fed them lunch and put Jack down for a nap. At 4:00 we headed out in the heat once again for my niece's pool party. Can I just tell you that I REALLY had to swallow my pride to wear a swimsuit in front of friends and family the day before my scheduled induction. It was humiliating. Pregnant women in swimsuits are cute when it's just a bump. Not so cute when you look like you're in pain you're so ready to pop. And it's not like I could tell myself I'd never see these people again. Over half of them are members of our church. *sigh*
We ran home after the party and bathed the kids, put them in PJs and fed them dinner. Shortly after that, my in-laws arrived. The kids were so happy to see them. I helped Jason put them to bed around 8:30 and almost got teary-eyed with anxiety, thinking that this was the last time I'd ever tuck in just 2 kids.
At 9:30 Jason and I headed to the hospital. We had an empty bag to bring home all the junk you get at the hospital.. paperwork, baby supplies, etc. I had my bag and of course, the cord blood collection kit. I got changed into my hospital gown around 10, got in bed and started answering the routine registration questions. Shortly after that, I kissed Jason good bye and he headed home. (Jason never stays at the hospital with me. He's willing. I never see the point. Why should we both be sleep-deprived and delirious? I need him to be alert and thinking clearly. Besides, what's he going to do? Sleep on an uncomfortable couch all night making sure that my IV is ok? I always tell him that he's not missing anything; just go home and get rest.)
I got an IV and the Cytotek (sp?) to hopefully start the dilation process over night. At one point over night, Caroline's heart rate dropped dramatically and they came racing in, gave me an oxygen mask and made me switch positions several hundred times. She recovered on her own and the heart rate went back up, never to drop again, but she clearly scared them.
By 7:45 a.m. I was dilated to 3 cm and my doctor came in to start the pitocin and break my water. (He's not big on wasting time. Let's just get the thing done.) So when Jason showed up around 9, labor was well under way. 9:30 I got an epidural. I had several strong contractions. Strong enough to know that this is what labor feels like and I don't want to feel this if I don't have to. :) At 10 my parents arrived. By 12:45, I started to push and she was born at 1:09. Her shoulders were broad and got stuck on the way out. So it was a quick scramble to get her out. But all went well. She was slightly bruised and had a few abrasions on her neck and arms, but the important thing is that she's fine.
As an aside: I let my mom stay in for the delivery. It's the first delivery she's ever watched. With the first 2 kids, I wanted only my husband in the room. But he and I talked about it, and he said he wouldn't mind if my mom shared in the delivery moments, standing up by my head of course. She has not stopped talking about how it was the coolest thing she's ever seen. She has thanked me many many times for letting her be a part of that. As you're reading this, you may think it's weird that she watched, but I don't regret it for a second. It's my mom, you know? If Sarah or Caroline ever let me in the delivery room, I'm there!
So then we got to the recovery room around 4. It always takes a while to transition from labor and delivery to recovery. This is when my hermit-like nature kicks in. I never want anyone to come to the hospital to see me. Maybe I'm weird, but it's too overwhelming for me and I've just had a baby for crying out loud. I don't need to see anyone when I'm wearing mesh panties, sitting on a diaper and an ice pack. (All you moms know what I'm talking about.) Plus, I feel like there are always a million people coming in and out of the room.... from newborn nursery workers to my nurses to housekeeping and dining-on-demand people. It gets to be overwhelming. I can't also play hostess to a bunch of friends and family. So for at least the first week of every baby's life, I go into hiding while I'm just trying to figure things out.
In order to be released from the hospital, all babies in the state of Texas have to pass a hearing test. Caroline wasn't tested until right before we left and she failed in one ear. They went ahead and let us be discharged from the hospital but I have to take her back on Wednesday to get her retested.
We came home Wednesday. My mother-in-law left Thursday night and it's been Jason and me and the kids ever since. He goes back to work tomorrow, but it's been great having him home. He has been super helpful!!! He has taken care of Sarah and Jack and even cooked a few meals. He's always checking on me and letting me rest whenever I need to take a nap. He said that it's a fair trade since he's sleeping all night and I'm not. But he's been Super Dad/Super Husband this week and I really appreciate it!!
I think a misconception of having parents who live locally is that you get a lot of help from them when you have a baby. Not necessarily true. My parents are wonderful and have offered to watch the kids while I take a nap one day next week. I will definitely take them up on it. But the trade off to having them live 5 mins away is that they can't drop everything when the baby is born and move in for a week or 2. They have lives in Plano. They have responsibilities in Plano. My mom is not doing my laundry. She's not cooking for me. She's not here in the middle of the night. I'm so glad to live close enough to my mom and dad that I can call them when I need them. But I don't get that focused attention that some moms get when they have a baby.
And maybe that's why I'm so proud of Jason and me. We've really gotten this parenting routine down. NOT saying we're great parents... I just mean that we can read each other really well and we know how to step in and be helpful when the other one is about to lose it. We LOVE having extra help but we don't necessarily need it this time.
Caroline is such a sweet easy baby. I've never had one before. Ever. Sarah was a screamer from day one. Nothing consoled her. She had trouble eating. She had trouble pooping. She had trouble sleeping. Jack had a club foot, which meant that by 4 weeks he had a cast on his left leg for the next several months. He also had trouble eating and had so many double ear infections that he had tubes in his ears at 6 mos old. Caroline eats and sleeps and the things that textbooks say should soothe a baby (swaddling, singing, bouncing, etc.) actually work!!!
My family really felt complete after Sarah and Jack were born. A boy and a girl. 14 mos apart. Best friends. Family of 4. But now that I've had Caroline I realize that my family doesn't feel any more complete, but I do. God must have known that I needed an easy baby to confirm that I'm a good mom. I have been beating myself up over not being good with newborns for the last 4 years. I've been secretly resentful and jealous of moms who have easy babies. I didn't understand why they got to have that experience and I didn't. I honestly would've believed until the day that I died that I was horrible with babies. That I somehow lacked maternal instinct for the first year of a child's life. But now I know that's not true. Now I know how fun a "good" baby is. I have loved every minute of the last week. It has been such a blessing. So wonderful. I'm not pretending to be happy... I really am. :)
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