I've wanted to put off this post because I'm so drained I really can't imagine blogging about yesterday. But I also know that I want to be able to blog throughout this upcoming week, and it would be strange to not post about the services in Meridian.
Obviously this is the day from my perspective. Jason would probably recount the events of yesterday in an entirely different way.
........
I couldn't sleep at all Friday night. I think I maybe got 4 hours of not-so-restful sleep. I was worried about not hearing my alarm or forgetting something or running behind and showing up late.
I woke about 6:00 Saturday morning and showered and got dressed. The kids got up around 7:30. I fed them, dressed them, and decided that my hair looked terrible.
So I rewashed my hair at 8:00, even though we needed to leave by 9:00. This was a red flag to me that I was more stressed than I realized about everything being perfect for Jason and his family. (Later I thought-- if I had realized that it was going to be CRAZY windy, I probably would've left my hair alone. Oh well.)
After I redid my hair and loaded up the car, I came back inside and took 1/2 of a Xanax. I have a few emergency calm-down-Julie-it'll-be-ok pills. I VERY rarely pull them out, but yesterday I knew I needed 1/2 of one.
We left on time. Hooray! We even got to the church a few minutes early. The kids stretched their legs, and I met a few of Jim's friends who showed up early as well.
Jason and his mom, sister, and brother-in-law showed up a little before 11:30. We went in to the church to eat lunch.
While we were waiting for lunch to be ready, Jason brought the kids and me into the sanctuary so we could see Jimpa. The service itself was closed casket, but there was an opportunity to see him before the service began. (More on viewing him later.)
An interesting (and wonderful) sidebar of funerals is that they double as reunions. It's a sad reason to get everyone together, but it's still awesome to have everyone together. Jason had a groomsman whom I hadn't seen since our wedding 9 years ago drive all the way from northeast Arkansas with his wife and 14 month old daughter so he could be at the funeral. Stories like that amaze me. People are so kind. I love it. We really enjoyed visiting with lots of friends and family during lunch.
The kids and I changed clothes after lunch and lined up to go into the church.
We walked in as everyone stood and sat on the front row. We were welcomed by the pastor and the obituary was read.
Jason's cousin sang "In the Garden" (And He walks with me and He talks with me and tells me I am His own. And the joy we share as we tarry there none other has ever known.) and "The King is Coming" (The King is coming, Oh the King is coming. I just heard the trumpet sounding and soon His face I'll see. The King is coming, the King is coming. Praise God! He's coming for me.)
Then Les Miller spoke. Les has been Jim's friend since the 5th grade! He told great stories and talked about what a great man Jim is. He went through the fruits of the Spirit and detailed how Jim demonstrated each of the fruits.
Right after Les spoke, Jason gave his eulogy. He started with an off-the-cuff joke, and the congregation burst into laughter. It wasn't polite laughter; Jason was pretty darn funny. :)
He started his speech by saying that he had asked himself, "What can I say about Dad? He's the greatest man I've ever known." He said that Jim taught him how to respect women and how he should love his wife. He told stories of how he saw his Dad kiss his mom every single day when he got home from work or up from the dinner table. He said that his Dad taught him how to fix things and gave him a love of woodworking and projects around the house. He remembered a time when Jim had taken Jason and Kim to Six Flags and a family tried to cut in front of them when it was Jason and Kim's turn to ride the roller coaster. He remembered that his mild mannered Dad "just about came to blows" with those people, defending his kids' place in line. Jason said that he thought, "Whoa! My dad is tough!" He's told me that story before and said that he also learned that day that he could trust his dad to defend him. And he read from a devotional book called "Jesus Calling" from August 23, the day that Jim was diagnosed with cancer in 2011.
It says in part:
When you release loved ones to Me, you are free to cling to My hand. As you entrust others into My care, I am free to shower blessings on them. My Presence will go with them wherever they go, and I will give them rest. This same Presence stays with you, as you relax and place your trust in Me. Watch to see what I will do."
The pastor, Collin, spoke about the victory we have over death and told some personal stories about Jim.
Then we stood and sang "Because He Lives"; the casket was opened again, and we were dismissed row by row.
After the funeral, we had the graveside service, and friends and family came by to speak to Jason, Kim, and Paulette. Then we went back to Paulette and Jim's house with other friends and family for desserts while the kids played.
Here's what I learned about my family yesterday--
JASON
He's stronger than I know and understand. He was able to stand and speak at a time when others couldn't have. He's more like his dad than I ever knew, and I gained greater appreciation and insight into the man that he is as I was listening to the stories about who his Dad is.
SARAH
Sarah is always the perfect little lady in situations like these. She can read a room and get the vibe when it's time to be serious and still. No need to warn her about consequences; she'll pull it together on her own. She sat next to me on the pew in a black dress, black high heels, legs crossed, hands folded on her knee. She didn't wiggle, didn't whisper, only listened the entire time.
When we viewed Jim's body before the service, she wasn't disturbed. She simply looked at Paulette, eyebrows raised, optimistic look on her face and said, "Well, at least we know we'll see him again in Heaven one day. That's exciting."
CAROLINE
Caroline was a wiggle worm. No one else seemed to notice but I felt like she was crawling all over me. I finally whispered in her hear in the most threatening tone I could muster in a whisper, "Sit still or I will spank your bottom!" Before the service ended, she fell asleep sitting in my lap.
She woke up as they were opening the casket before we were dismissed. She looked at me and whispered, "Are they waking him up now?"
"No, baby."
"Are we gonna leave soon?"
"Yes. We're waiting for some people to carry the big box out and put it in a car. Then we're gonna bury the box, like you'd bury something in the sand."
"But won't he die if we bury him under sand?"
"Sweetie, he already died."
"Will he be alive in a second?"
"He's alive right now in Heaven."
I don't know if I handled it well or if I should have used phrases like "passed away". If any of that conversation sounds harsh or mishandled, forgive me. I wasn't entirely sure what to say.
Later that night, back at Paulette's house, she asked when we were gonna go back and get Jimpa. When I told her that we were gonna leave the box there, she asked indignantly, "He's gonna stay there ALL DAY?!"
She has lots of questions. She doesn't fully understand. But I love that she asks whatever comes into her mind. She throws me some curveballs and tough questions, but that's how she's handling things. She wants to know what's going on and why.
JACK
Jack processed everything more internally, more emotionally. He hadn't cried in front of me at all since finding out Jim died. He did, apparently, cry with my mom while he was at the zoo on Thursday.
At the funeral, my little man looked sharp. Paulette said that Jim would have been so proud of his grandkids and that Jack looked like a little Jason. He also sat still, right next to his Daddy. He didn't wiggle, but he listened to every word.
(I know that Sarah and he listened because later at dinner, they quoted bits and pieces of the eulogies from Les and Jason.)
When it was time to be dismissed, he looked up at Jason and told him that he wanted to hug Jimpa. Jason picked him up, and Jack laid over Jimpa's chest and belly.
When I saw Jason Thomas pick up Jack Thomas so that he could lay on James Thomas, my eyes swelled with tears. The McGlamery men.
But that's Jack. Of the 3 kids, he understood that if he wanted to hug his Jimpa one more time, this was his chance. Maybe it's innocence, maybe it's his tender spirit, but he wasn't squeamish. He wasn't afraid of touching his Jimpa. Jack put his arms out and hugged him as he laid there.
Then he went outside and cried over Jim's death. He reached into his little suit pocket and pulled out a handkerchief Jason had given him. He wiped his eyes; I hugged him... so touched by his sweet heart.
Later, back at Paulette's house, Jack took my dad and my brother-in-law around the place. Side note: My parents, my sister, and my brother-in-law were at the services. I really appreciated that they came, and I know Paulette, Jason, and Kim did too. They wouldn't have missed it, but I still am so glad they made the effort. He showed them the tank with catfish, called the horses over to the fence so they could pet them, showed them the barn and the llama. A sweet moment of taking great pride in the McGlamery place.
Something happened yesterday inside of him. There was a corner that was turned. He was a McGlamery man, and I couldn't have been more proud of him.
ME
I learned just how exhausted I've been and how much pressure I've put on myself to handle things without Jason. Exhaustion and travel don't mix.
When we left the farm last night, it was about 6:30. We headed back up 67 towards Cleburne and stopped in Alvarado for dinner. Then I got on 35 to head home. But I got on I35-W, not East. When I passed Alliance airport, I thought, "I'm not going the right way." I wasn't sure what to do. It was dark. I really didn't feel safe to pull over on the side of the road and look at the map. I didn't want the kids to know I wasn't sure where we were.
I was embarrassed. How do I not know the metroplex highway system any better than I do? And my phone battery level was on red. As in, about to die any minute. As in, unable to call for help for directions or if I were to get a flat tire or something.
When I reached down to plug my phone into the charger, the charger broke.
I pressed on, knowing good and well that I was heading in the wrong direction. Why had I just passed Texas Motor Speedway? But I also knew that turning around wouldn't do any good. I was gonna commit to the route I took. I knew I could always look at the map in my glove compartment, but again, with 3 kids in the car with me in the dark, I didn't want to take a chance of pulling over someplace kinda sketchy and pulling out a map-- thus, clearly looking lost.
I drove through Justin and Argyle and saw signs for Wichita Falls. As I started to see signs for Oklahoma City, I wanted to cry.
Then finally I got into Denton, pulled up next to the University of North Texas and saw a sign for "I35-E Dallas". I took a right. I knew I35-E would intersect with 121 and I could get us home. I looked at my phone, and MIRACULOUSLY it was still holding a charge. Even though, deep down I knew it would die before a call would ever be sent, I didn't feel alone knowing that my phone was still on.
AS SOON as I turned onto 121 and knew exactly where I was, my phone died. :) Isn't that cool when God works stuff out like that? It's like He gave me that little piece of security just until I could find my way back to where roads looked familiar.
It's a 2 hour drive normally, but we didn't get home until after 10:00. (Of course we did stop for dinner. Not all of that was me driving us practicially to the Red River.) I told the kids to skip baths and just go to bed. I was so ready to crash!
............
I don't know what life will look like from here.
I do know Jason will always miss his dad. I know Sarah is going to the deer lease with Jason in April. They're gonna sit around a campfire, shoot a BB gun, and talk about Jimpa with friends like Les Miller. I know it won't be long before Caroline's included in Daddy/Daughter weekend at the lease. I know Jack will grow into a strong McGlamery man, carrying on the legacy of the JTM's. I know Paulette and Kim will find a "new normal". I know Jason will still call and make some trips down to the farm to check on his mom.
Whatever the future holds I know our family is strong, and God will carry us through it.
