I decided to let C cry it out last night. I also decided not to swaddle her. Don't know why. Dumb moment for me.
Here's the play-by-play:
I put her down at 9:30 and she was up by 10. So I doubted myself about the swaddling thing. Got her up, swaddled her and put her back down.
Then she was up at 4. Here was my chance. Gonna let her cry it out. Then all of a sudden, I had this wave of doubt hit me again. I started doing the math in my head... 10 to 4... That's 6 hours. Is that considered sleeping thru the night? Or is 8 hours sleeping thru the night? I know at some point she'll sleep 12 hours. But maybe I'm expecting too much of her. Should I go check on her? I don't want to. But maybe I should?
All this going thru my head. So finally I'm like, Well crap. I'm already awake weighing my options.. I might as well go check on her.
So I went upstairs at 4:30 and re-swaddled her and put her back down awake. Then came back downstairs and stayed up listening for her to cry. Why do I do that? Sleep, Julie, sleep!
Then I went back to the bedroom, got a flashlight and found the "What to Expect The First Year" book to answer the question of how many hrs she should be sleeping. Went to the den and started reading. All this time, C never cried. Dang! 30 mins spent awake and I should have been sleeping.
So I went back to bed and focused on falling asleep. I don't know about you, but when I focus on sleeping, I can't sleep. I start getting hot and tossing and turning. I watched the clock tick by. Every minute that passed, I became more and more frustrated.
Then I heard Jason's breathing. He wasn't snoring. He was just breathing. That "I'm fast asleep" breathing. That only irritated me more. :) I almost wanted to punch him and say "Wake up! I'm awake. You need to be awake too. I don't know why. But that's the way I feel." (I didn't. I let him sleep.)
Then I started thinking about all the things I do that he doesn't do. (I should say the list of things he does to help me is very long and I really appreciate him.) However, in the moments of sleeplessness and anxiety over not falling asleep, I started thinking about how I'm awake, he's asleep...must be nice. I deal with the kids. He goes to work.. must be nice. Everytime I get out of the car, I have 3 kids with me. He drives around by himself... must be nice. You get the point and see where I'm going with this.
It's that self-righteous scorecard in my head. That Who's the Better Parent? Who Sacrifices More? scorecard. And when I'm exhausted, I'm always winning. In reality, that's not the case at all.
Of course that train of thought doesn't do much for the 'calm down, go to sleep' mood that I should be in when I'd been up since 4.
Finally just before 6:30, I fell back asleep and slept in a little this morning.
And when I thought back over my night, I realized C really did well. That's why I titled this post "it went ok". I messed everything up for myself. But I'm actually encouraged that she'll be sleeping at least 8 hours in a row very soon.
Now if only I could do the same. :)